Dear City of Pittsburgh


Dear City of Pittsburgh,

Being a witness to a crime, I have to say you’ve made my experience so enjoyable that I really wish to continue these heroic efforts in the future.

I loved, no really, LOVED, being woken up at 1 o’clock in the morning, especially having to wake up for work only a few hours later.  To me, there’s nothing better than getting broken sleep, so I truly thank you for all my yawns and dark circles people commented on the next day.   Plus, waking up to pounding on my front door BY THE POLICE–scaring the shit out of me (literally–well maybe not, that’s kinda gross, but you get the point), heart pounding, palms sweating–Can’t go back to sleep now–just to be served a court subpoena???  It’s better than waking up for sex..ha! 

Oh, my family thanks you for waking them up as well.  Don’t worry they don’t need their sleep either.     

Now, the fact that the subpoena was dated 26 August, 2011, but I didn’t receive it until 17 October, 2011, and my court date was on 1 November, 2011 is pretty awesome.  I really like how the city respects their witness’s schedules.  In fact, the city gives us SO MUCH time to prepare and rearrange our schedules (some people had a 3-DAY notice!) that most people had to miss a day’s worth of pay or in my case, a really important secret squirrel meeting. 

Leaving my house at 7:30am (an hour before I had to be at the courthouse) when I only live 10 minutes away, just so I can get through rush hour and make it there on time–I don’t want to be penalized with a fee or imprisonment as was promised on my subpoena–was a great way to start my morning.  Just sayin..

And parking?  You guys are SO SELFLESS!  The Mother Theresa of Parking Matters.  Parking was $16 (OR MORE), but YOU–YOU give us back $5.  How thoughtful!   

I think my favorite part about this whole serving my community and protecting humanity bit though, was the fact that I sat there for almost 4 hours; quietly and calmly; unlike other witnesses, just to be sent back home because the defendant pled GUILTY

You couldn’t have figured this out before you wasted my sleep, my gas, my secret squirrel meeting, my morning, my money, and just my time in general, with nothing more than $5 to cover it all??

And people wonder why most “look the other way“.  It’s no wonder the government has to force people to report crimes.  Didn’t know that?? Look up  misprision of a felony.  YIKES! 

Well, I just want to thank you once more.  But don’t worry, I’m here for you.   Let me know what else I can do for you.  How far do you want me to bend over.. things of that nature.  




Yours Truly Because It’s the Law,

Faithful Citizen 



3 responses »

  1. Pingback: Pissed Off at Selfish People « The Litter Box

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