Category Archives: Daily Humor

Dear City of Pittsburgh

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Dear City of Pittsburgh,

Being a witness to a crime, I have to say you’ve made my experience so enjoyable that I really wish to continue these heroic efforts in the future.

I loved, no really, LOVED, being woken up at 1 o’clock in the morning, especially having to wake up for work only a few hours later.  To me, there’s nothing better than getting broken sleep, so I truly thank you for all my yawns and dark circles people commented on the next day.   Plus, waking up to pounding on my front door BY THE POLICE–scaring the shit out of me (literally–well maybe not, that’s kinda gross, but you get the point), heart pounding, palms sweating–Can’t go back to sleep now–just to be served a court subpoena???  It’s better than waking up for sex..ha! 

Oh, my family thanks you for waking them up as well.  Don’t worry they don’t need their sleep either.     

Now, the fact that the subpoena was dated 26 August, 2011, but I didn’t receive it until 17 October, 2011, and my court date was on 1 November, 2011 is pretty awesome.  I really like how the city respects their witness’s schedules.  In fact, the city gives us SO MUCH time to prepare and rearrange our schedules (some people had a 3-DAY notice!) that most people had to miss a day’s worth of pay or in my case, a really important secret squirrel meeting. 

Leaving my house at 7:30am (an hour before I had to be at the courthouse) when I only live 10 minutes away, just so I can get through rush hour and make it there on time–I don’t want to be penalized with a fee or imprisonment as was promised on my subpoena–was a great way to start my morning.  Just sayin..

And parking?  You guys are SO SELFLESS!  The Mother Theresa of Parking Matters.  Parking was $16 (OR MORE), but YOU–YOU give us back $5.  How thoughtful!   

I think my favorite part about this whole serving my community and protecting humanity bit though, was the fact that I sat there for almost 4 hours; quietly and calmly; unlike other witnesses, just to be sent back home because the defendant pled GUILTY

You couldn’t have figured this out before you wasted my sleep, my gas, my secret squirrel meeting, my morning, my money, and just my time in general, with nothing more than $5 to cover it all??

And people wonder why most “look the other way“.  It’s no wonder the government has to force people to report crimes.  Didn’t know that?? Look up  misprision of a felony.  YIKES! 

Well, I just want to thank you once more.  But don’t worry, I’m here for you.   Let me know what else I can do for you.  How far do you want me to bend over.. things of that nature.  

 

 

Signed,

Yours Truly Because It’s the Law,

Faithful Citizen 

 

If you need some cheering up.. Worked For Me!

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I USED TO BE LIKE THIS…

THEN, I MET A GIRL…

 

SHE WAS LIKE THIS…

TOGETHER, WE WERE LIKE THIS…

 

I GAVE HER GIFTS LIKE THIS…

WHEN SHE ACCEPTED MY PROPOSAL, I WAS LIKE THIS

I USED TO TALK TO HER ALL NIGHT LIKE THIS

AND AT THE OFFICE I USED TO DO THIS

WHEN MY FRIENDS SAW MY GIRLFRIEND, THEY STARED LIKE THIS

AND I USED TO REACT LIKE THIS

BUT ON VALENTINE’S DAY, SHE RECEIVED A RED ROSE FROM SOMEONE ELSE LIKE THIS

AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS

AND I WAS LIKE THIS

WHICH LATER LED TO THIS

AND THIS

I FELT LIKE DOING THIS

I STARTED DOING THIS

GIRLS…

Train Insane or Remain the Same

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Walking down the street, I noticed a local gym with this slogan painted on their front window..

Catchy. 

I immediately pictured a big Arnold Schwarzenegger body builder screaming TRAIN. IN-SANE. OR. RE-MAIN. THE. SAME.  ARGGHH. every time his muscles tore a little more…

But I realize after trying  countless diets and going through numerous on again off again periods of working out where the results are ALWAYS temporary–maybe, just maybe, THIS is the right mentality to have; to become “insane” about getting fit.

This post is my beginning attempt to retrain my brain to “train insane” so I do not “remain the same”.

Roommate Novel

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When I think of roommates, the first thought that goes through my head is $$$.  Definitely a pro, but how much is my safety, happiness, a fulfilling sleep, un-clogged showers, and just plain old privacy worth to me?

I’ve had a handful of roommates over the past few years.  I’ve lived with 2 boyfriends, my “little sister”, a random girl from Craigslist, a best guy friend, and now one of my close girlfriends.  I feel with this wide variety I can definitely share the pros and cons of cohabitation with others.  Maybe you can learn from my mistakes or experiences.

MY FIRST ROOMMATE EXPERIENCE:

I was 18 years old.  My family had to move due to money issues during my senior year of high school.  I had 3 months left before graduation, so my parents gave the greenlight for me to move in with my boyfriend (temporarily) until school was over.  School ended and me being my persuasive, stubborn, and know-it-all self at that age (oh, wait, that hasn’t changed.  ha!), I got my way and stayed with him.  I was young and in love, so at first this living situation was awesome.  He’d make me breakfast in bed, I’d get massages at bedtime.  I liked “playing house”.  I see now that’s all it was; me trying to act like an adult, to prove I could do it on my own.  This was my first experience in intimacy, and it was intoxicating, until I realized that my boyfriend was crazy (literally–I may share in a later post) and for my own sanity and safety I had to move out.

MY SECOND ROOMMATE EXPERIENCE:

I was 19 years old.  I received a call from my unit asking if I would like to come out on orders to work for 6 months to a year.  They would pay for my housing and I would get almost $1,500/month in per diem.  I said, “HELL YEA”, and quickly sold, trashed, and transferred all my stuff out of that cramped apartment and moved to a beautiful luxury apartment in the “City of Bridges”; Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

I’d been dating this guy, TJ–who eventually turned into my boyfriend of 3 years AND my next roommate–from the base who was on orders too.   We got closer and he started staying over more and more.  Eventually my orders ran out and I was offered an AGR (Active Guard-Reserve) position, which meant I had to find my own place to live (I couldn’t afford to stay where they had put me up).

So we moved in together.. AND I became his sugar mama.  He did not pay for A. THING. in our first apartment.  I began to resent him.  I was working full time, going to school, paying all the bills, taking care of the dog, and I was only 19, while he was 26 years old.  PATHETIC.

But, I was lonely so I stayed with him.  It was a new city, which meant I didn’t really know anyone, and I was too young to do things with people I worked with; to even go in to a bar in Pittsburgh you have to be 21.

I never was “in love” with him, but grew to love him and care about him.  Eventually we moved to a bigger place, got a second dog, he got a big boy job and started chipping in with the bills, and things started looking up.  Until I realized 2 things:

1) His OCD was driving me crazy.  The blankets in the living room always had to be folded if they weren’t being used.  The mail had to be put in a specific drawer to be out of the way.  To this day I feel “brainwashed” because I still do some things the way he HAD to have them and now if certain things aren’t done certain ways I feel myself get irritated with others.  For example:  Dishes have to go in the dishwasher in a specific order.  Toilet paper needs to be put on with the first sheet over not under.  Groceries have to be placed in the cart and on the belt in a specific order; freezer stuff with freezer stuff, etc..  I know it’s a little much, but after 3 years of dealing with this, I’ve been “trained”.

2) He was a lying, cheating scum bag.  When you live with someone you get used to routine.  When the routine starts to break (ie.  Starts going out with “friends” more and more, his phone is locked, he begins to “fall asleep” on the couch more often than not) you get a little more suspicious.  Not good for any living situation if you can’t trust your partner.  But it got to the point where I stopped caring and told him to just move all his things into the second bedroom and to begin looking for his own place, which he did about 4 months later.

MY THIRD ROOMMATE EXPERIENCE:

I was 22 years old.  My ‘little sister” Krystle was 19 years old.  She’s not really my sister, but I’ve always felt like she was part of my family.  I asked if she would like to move in with me.  She was living with her mom in a smaller one bedroom apartment, and felt like she wanted to try things on her own.  She’s a very independent chicky too!  So I told her she would have to pay $300/month, which was only a 1/4 of what all my house bills were.  She didn’t have a license, so she had to find a job that she could get to by walking or by bus and that she couldn’t rely on me for rides.  She found a job at Blockbuster about 1.5 mile away.

Things were great for the first couple months.  We went to school together (to a small community college) and spent lots of our free time together.  It felt like one big giant everlasting sleepover.  It was awesome.

That feeling didn’t last very long.

Our living together for only 4 months ended our relationship for almost a year.  So be very careful if you decide to move in with a close friend.   I’ve known her since she was 16.  A little over 8 years later we’re still the best of friends and I’m now the god mother to her son, Timmy (he’s awesome!), but I think we’d both agree to never live with one another ever again, lol.

MY FOURTH ROOMMATE EXPERIENCE:

Air Head by Haggis Chick on Flickr.

I was 23 years old.  Since TJ and I moved in to the bigger place and I stayed there after we broke up, I was struggling with bills, especially since Krystle and I didn’t work out.  So I turned to Rent.com, Roommates.com, and even Craigslist in search of a roommate to help with the bills.  I met this girl Katie from Craigslist.  She was a couple of years older than me, married (Her husband was a doctor and had a job offer in North Carolina, but she was in her last semester of nursing school and couldn’t leave), and Moroccan.  She was beautiful and very sweet (in the beginning)–that little girl act got old real quick.  I should have realized how air headed she was from the very beginning when she called me whining her first night that she didn’t know how to start the shower, or maybe when she thought that my garage had two entrances (picture Batman’s cave).  She lasted about 3 months and then we both decided it wasn’t working out and went our separate ways.

I then boycotted roommates for a while.  I was in this amazing relationship (or so I thought) and we were planning on buying a house together.  I figured I just needed to re-budget and really watch my spending and I would be okay.

MY FIFTH ROOMMATE EXPERIENCE:

I was 24 years old.  My best guy friend, Cameron, wanted to move closer to work and since we worked together and got along so well we decided to give it a try.  Things were actually pretty cool.  He paid half of the bills.  There was always something to do and someone to talk to.  It was nice to have a “guy” to live with to do “guy” things around the house.

There were just a few instances where I had problems with things.  He would shave in the guest bathroom downstairs and leave his hairs all over the sink and counter (disgusting by the way to all you guys who DON’T clean up after yourselves).  I got a long with all of his friends, which was nice, until they would all go out and pick up these NASTY girls (I worked midnight shift at work during this time, so I never saw these girls–I just got to hear the horror stories) and do only God knows what with them (makes me want to puke).

I was picking up the dog poop one day when I saw a used condom in my yard! EEEW!  Turns out one of his friends used our little TV room upstairs to do the dirty with some chick and was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to throw it out, so he just opened the window and tossed it.  Keepin’ It Classy.  When that day happened, Cam had a talk with his “boys” and things calmed down after that.  I’ve yet to use that futon since though.

We would probably still live together if it hadn’t been for a  few changes.  1) He ended up getting out of the military so he didn’t really need to live close to work anymore.  2) I ended up buying a house and told him if he wanted to live with me he couldn’t smoke in the house (before he could smoke in his room and in the TV room) and he couldn’t bring nasty random chicks back to the house.  He didn’t like being told what to do so he decided to move back to the city where he grew up.

MY SIXTH AND CURRENT ROOMMATE EXPERIENCE:

I am now 26 years old.  I had been living in solitary heaven for about a year and a half, when a good friend of mine, Olenka, started bringing up her want of moving out of her parent’s house.  Her family being from Ukraine expected her to live with them until she met her husband; it’s tradition.  Olenka being 27 and just having graduated from college (which is how we met) decided it was time to move out and get her own life.  I offered my home.

BIRTHDAY GIRLS

She’s been living with me since May and although we’ve had our clashes, things are going pretty well.  I only charge her 1/4 of all the bills, but in return she helps me out A LOT with my dogs.

We cook and clean together, watch TV shows together, go shopping together.. It’s a lot of fun.  And when I need me time, I just go hide in my room.  We respect each others needs and both try to be conscious and thoughtful of the other, which is why I think we work so well.  Plus having that extra money every month doesn’t hurt.

So after having wrote this novel and looking back on all my experiences, I can say there are definitely more pros to living with someone:  extra money, someone to talk to, things to do, shared chores, but you just have to find that respectful balance so your “me” time and privacy never lacks.

MIND OVER MATTER (I’m hoping)

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I QUIT SMOKING BACK IN JUNE.  YAY! 

I KNOW, GOOD FOR ME.  EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I’VE NOW GAINED 10 POUNDS.  BOO!

SO.  AS A DAILY REMINDER I’VE MADE A STICKY NOTE MONTAGE ON MY BEDROOM DOOR. 

MY BOYFRIEND LAUGHED AND TOLD ME I WAS CUTE.  I FEEL SORTA SILLY ABOUT IT BEING UP THERE, BUT I BELIEVE IN MIND OVER MATTER.

AND I REEEAAALLY NEED TO LOSE AT LEAST THE 10 POUNDS I GAINED.  IF NOT MORE.

I’m One Tough Mudder WILL

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Running through fire up to 4 feet high and sprinting through live electrical wires with some carrying 10,000 volts.. Who says girls aren’t tough??

Leaving for Tough Mudder tomorrow with my team EISEN FUSS (lead foot)! 

I did have to sign a death waiver so if I don’t make it through the course on Saturday I’d like everyone on WordPress to know that my parents can have my dogs (I’m sure they’ll be thrilled).  My sister can have my house and all my belongings that my mother and dad do not want.. whether she wants to sell it, or rent it, or live in it.  And someone can have my car (it’s already paid off) BUT whoever wants it has to fight for it through a paper/rock/scissors match (NO CHEATING AND BEST OUT OF 3!)

Contagion

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Really good movie.  Makes you think. 

My favorite part of the movie:  PICTURE THIS. 

It’s a Saturday night.  Crowded movie theatre.  You are there watching a movie about disease, viruses and how quickly they spread because people don’t pay attention to prevention of germs… ie. not washing their hands.  In the film, you get a graphic visual of how people are dying from this horrible disease.  Right after a realistic foam-of-the-mouth seizure is displayed and you see a dead corpse in front of you, the next scene shows an infected person coughing.  You know the kind, a long and wet mucusy cough (gross, right?)  Literally, RIGHT after that coughing scene, the person DIRECTLY BEHIND you does the EXACT. SAME. COUGH. 

Priceless!  Everyone in the theatre started a wave of nervous giggling and quick sneaks back at the now REAL “infected” person. 

I don’t know.  Maybe this is one of those you have to be there kind of things.  But I could not stop laughing.

Kinda cool tidbit.. My boyfriend’s sister-in-law’s sister (that’s a mouthful) helped work on this movie and is in the credits!! Neat to see..

Secret Mission

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Not tootin my own horn or anything, BUT, I have to say.. I’m a pretty awesome girlfriend.. LOL

That (up above) is my boyfriend, Brian… looks happy right?

THAT is because A) I blindfolded him and B) He has no idea where we are going..

His birthday was today. And in order to pull off one of the best birthday surprises EVER.. months AND months of preparation were involved… ok I’m exaggerating.. a little.. at least 2 months.. =)

To quote from the movie A-Team “You beat a guy like Lynch with three things: distraction, diversion and division. Then you put him on display, for the whole world to see…”

NOW,

WHAT BRIAN THINKS IS HAPPENING: Brian thinks I’ve planned a romantic weekend camping trip for his birthday, which to him means 2 TERRIBLE things. 1) Hunting for the weekend has been canceled AND 2) Missing the Steelers game… WHICH for those of you who do not live in Steeler Country.. is considered sacrilegious towards the Steeler Gods…

VERSUS,

HIS ACTUAL BIRTHDAY SURPRISE: Friday, before his birthday I went to his house and stole two of his Steelers Jerseys. I gave him a list of things to pack for the weekend. I picked up a 30 pack of delicious pumpkin beer.   Then this morning I picked up his favorite donuts, made him some breakfast, and told him to get ready for his birthday adventure. (This is where the blindfold comes in) When he took the blindfold off, he saw we were in a parking lot with all of his close friends and family waiting to shout “Surprise! Happy Birthday”!

We all hopped in his friend’s Steeler Van (pictured below)and ended up tailgating before going to the Steelers game! This being my first tailgating experience… I’d just like to say I had a blast!