I think I have depression. If you met me you would never know–I smile and laugh a lot.
But, when I’m alone, simple thoughts bring tears to my eyes and such sadness to my heart.
I’ve gained 15lbs since I’ve quit smoking in June, which may not seem like a lot, until you add the fact I was already 15lbs overweight. The thought of “I need to lose weight” runs through my head daily (umm, make that hourly)–along with weekly menus of low calorie-low carb options and work out routines galore, blah, blah, blah… I know WHAT to do to lose weight, I just can’t find the motivation.
I bought a brand new expensive camera, that still excites me, but when I should be out taking pictures–or cleaning–or doing anything but snacking and watching TV, I just don’t feel like it.
I get up, go to work, smile, say the proper things, make the appropriate office jokes, but when I go home and I’m by myself; left alone to think, all I can think of is how my life is going to change and how out of control and completely helpless I feel. And if you know me well, you know I like control as much as a fat kid loves his cake.
I suppose the rational part of me, knows, I’ll be okay with whatever happens. But what will I have to give up to just be okay? Do I give up my career? Do I give up my passion for the military? Do I give up love? Do I have to give up love? Brian says he’s here for me and I’m not alone, and all the other good boyfriend stuff to say, except the stuff I need to hear. We talk about marriage, we make jokes about children, but when it boils down to it, he’s not telling me what I need to hear.
All I need him to say is, “We are in this together. I’m not leaving your side. We will decide what our future holds together, whether if staying here is our best option, or if moving away together would be.” I need to know that it’s OUR future ahead of us, not just mine and his going on parallel paths.
While I haven’t heard any of these things…
What he has said is “I don’t want you to move. I don’t like thinking of this. I wouldn’t want to move”. (Note: He didn’t say he wouldn’t move, but I would feel horrible asking him to move away anyway– from his family, friends, and career. Plus, I worry if we did move, he may come to resent me because of it.) And continuing, “I’m sorry, I wish there was more I could say or do. I hate seeing you have to go through this and think about this every day. I love you.”
Part of me feels he doesn’t want my decision to be based on how he feels for me and the other part of me feels he doesn’t love me enough or isn’t sure about me just yet to make that type of commitment.
I think part of my decision should be based on how he feels. If you love me and can see me in your future than do something about it! And if you’re settled in your ways and not willing to make some compromises for love then let me know, so I can do something about it!
Because at this point, it’s his indifference or his lack of emotion that is causing me to question staying and giving up my career. And while I love him with all my heart and would gladly stay, I don’t want to force his hand if it’s not how he truly feels in the first place.
I don’t know how I convinced myself he didn’t play a bigger part in my decision-making, but I’m a fool for thinking my head was stronger than my heart.
BTW-I have absolutely fallen head over heels for this quote. It’s so beautiful and so perfect to describe how love should be.
Has anyone ever been here before? Any advice? Any suggestions?